As it turns out, today will be a collision of past, present and future ---
Around the beautiful table set to Downton Abbey music, seven precise settings,
We will gather - all of us with our pasts, some connected and some not -
Bringing our memories to this new and yet quite old table -
Here they've all sat before in such an arrangement, while I have not.
Where they all were thirty-nine years ago today, I cannot know.
Full well, every fiber of my being knows exactly where I was at each minute of this day.
A plethora of stories and histories, spoken and unspoken, we'll each bring -
To gather with the leader of this changing clan which is bound by so many feelings.
My prayer is that each of us will be ready to embrace the new present and the unfolding future with joy even as we tightly hold our pain, our loss, our missing loved ones.
This table may be set for seven, but far, far more will be seated
Yes, far more......
For our loved ones will always come with us to this table --
Gratefully Always.
Welcome to my blog "Cooking with Fruit" that began in 2009. It has nothing to do with actual cooking, but everything to do with creating, sustaining, and blessing lives: The ones we have, the ones that are gone, and the ones we continue to create.
Friday, November 29, 2019
Tuesday, November 26, 2019
Just a Few Questions, Ms. Castro
How does it feel?
Really hard to describe ---
What will you do on Friday?
The day will be weird and I don't know what to do ---
What have you been thinking about?
I'd love to elaborate, but feel overwhelmed & constricted ---
What are your plans?
Gratefully, they aren't just my plans anymore ---
Where have you been?
That's hard to explain and would take far too many words than my sparse
style allows for --
When did you know?
When they all talked about their long marriages and ------
Why did it bother you so much?
Now, that's a hard one - really no clue - it came out of the blue ----
How have you changed in the past 39 years?
Unbelievably, impossible to describe -- - really, it'd take
far too many words ----
Where's the silence gone?
Not far at all, accessible really, it's me who has gone ---
Do you think you'll come back to the silence?
Well, there's no choice - I have to - it's my lifeblood ----
What does God think of all this stuff in your head, in your heart?
God wonders when I'm going to sit down in silence to pray ----
Why are you finally writing tonight?
Because I have to -- I have to remember who I am -- I have to connect --
What's kept you away?
Worries about raising someone's ire, fear of speaking my heart ----
Has that really kept you quiet in the past?
The past has never been the present so I don't know -----
What will you do on Thursday?
Give thanks at a new table with new family ---
What will you do on Friday?
Give thanks for Rod and the life we shared: Bless it, let it go ----
What will you do on Saturday?
Happily help George with the green egg and ham.
Do you have more clarity after this little chat?
Actually, I do. Thanks for taking the time to ask me all these things --
Do you have anything to add?
I do --- I've found since my last post that true love can hold the most
painful things this world throws at us. If I wanted to use more words
I'd write about that. Again, thanks for asking.
You're welcome.
Really hard to describe ---
What will you do on Friday?
The day will be weird and I don't know what to do ---
What have you been thinking about?
I'd love to elaborate, but feel overwhelmed & constricted ---
What are your plans?
Gratefully, they aren't just my plans anymore ---
Where have you been?
That's hard to explain and would take far too many words than my sparse
style allows for --
When did you know?
When they all talked about their long marriages and ------
Why did it bother you so much?
Now, that's a hard one - really no clue - it came out of the blue ----
How have you changed in the past 39 years?
Unbelievably, impossible to describe -- - really, it'd take
far too many words ----
Where's the silence gone?
Not far at all, accessible really, it's me who has gone ---
Do you think you'll come back to the silence?
Well, there's no choice - I have to - it's my lifeblood ----
What does God think of all this stuff in your head, in your heart?
God wonders when I'm going to sit down in silence to pray ----
Why are you finally writing tonight?
Because I have to -- I have to remember who I am -- I have to connect --
What's kept you away?
Worries about raising someone's ire, fear of speaking my heart ----
Has that really kept you quiet in the past?
The past has never been the present so I don't know -----
What will you do on Thursday?
Give thanks at a new table with new family ---
What will you do on Friday?
Give thanks for Rod and the life we shared: Bless it, let it go ----
What will you do on Saturday?
Happily help George with the green egg and ham.
Do you have more clarity after this little chat?
Actually, I do. Thanks for taking the time to ask me all these things --
Do you have anything to add?
I do --- I've found since my last post that true love can hold the most
painful things this world throws at us. If I wanted to use more words
I'd write about that. Again, thanks for asking.
You're welcome.
Sunday, August 25, 2019
Thank God, they came.
Somewhere between the lightening and flood,
between the heat and ice,
between heaven's songs and earth's tears,
between heaven's songs and earth's tears,
between the dark and light,
They came.
No announcement given
No invitation sent nor received
No words spoken nor heard
They simply came.
A daunting task, they knew
Unsure of their timing
Unknown if their gift would be rebuffed or embraced
They came in courage.
Attached to her back in one graceful motion
Pinned to his heart in one fell swoop
They came in hope and strength.
To show a new way
To grant a new path
To choose a new life
Blessing given
Path revealed
Leaving again those they once cleaved to in love
Waiting, watching, praying to see
Their new wings unfurled...
As we step off the cliff --- Falling into Grace
Learning to soar with courage and strength
To say
I love you
In ways never thought possible.
What was that silent sound?
Fluttering wings hovering, waiting, rounding
Staying just long enough to insure --
We know our hearts have been enlarged
We know our hearts have been enlarged
Big enough for the love holding our past
and
Big enough for the love filling our future.
We are so grateful they came.
Thank God, they came.
Sunday, August 11, 2019
If You Want To Try
Putting them on required working quickly in the fading light of the freezing air, wrapping different materials, and hoping for enough protection from the elements in order to heal.
Taking them off took longer, required scissors/a box cutter/clippers, a lot more work, and far more courage.
For almost deadly wounds like these, the tree expert said last February:
"If you want to try to save it - this is what you do right now and this is what you'll do in August.
- and there's no guarantee it'll survive."
If you want to try -
Do now - do later - no guarantees.
Bandages and Courage
Why do we rarely take notice how they work side by side?
Courage to put them on with great expectations for safety, healing, and memory of the wound.
Courage to take them off when it's time for such wounds to fill with sun, fill with wind, fill with water
When it's time to step back into life.
Do now - do later - no guarantees.
Leaving the iridescent green tape on the limbs reminded me of the traumatic snowstorm my precious tree endured.
It spoke of my good work and of my care.
It also told me there was more to do, but I preferred to ignore that part....
.....until today when I knew it had to be done and so I began -
Cutting, pulling, coaxing, even asking the bandages to give way
And in their unraveling the gaping wounds became exposed
Something akin to healed bark appeared in some areas, but not all.
I touched the deep wounds with a little prayer
It's time to stand on your own, I said
It's time to take the sun, the wind, the rain and even the winter snows.
You've healed enough to do this.
You are free to fully breathe again
No longer restricted by green tape and bandages
I have no idea what the tree wanted in this whole matter
But in my all knowing human way I decided it wanted to live
It might have become quite accustomed to the bandages, too,
Just as grieving humans are apt to stay in our caves, wrapped in our symbols of pain, and expecting the rest of life will always be exactly like this.
Until ---
Someone takes the time and shows the courage needed to remove the bandages, lead us to the next step of healing, tell us that we're worth something again.
Until----
We come together and say to each other --
I know what it's been like --
I know the grievous wound beneath your bandages --
I know the courage it's taken just to survive --
Until ---
We say to each other
Here,
Let me gently remove all this stuff so you can breathe again -
Let me ease the path still fraught with surprises
Let me take your hand and reassure you that as the bandages come off
You will stand in the sun, the wind, the rain, the snow and be alright.
The wound, of course, somewhat healed over
Will always be present -
As will I.
As will I.
Taking them off took longer, required scissors/a box cutter/clippers, a lot more work, and far more courage.
For almost deadly wounds like these, the tree expert said last February:
"If you want to try to save it - this is what you do right now and this is what you'll do in August.
- and there's no guarantee it'll survive."
If you want to try -
Do now - do later - no guarantees.
Bandages and Courage
Why do we rarely take notice how they work side by side?
Courage to put them on with great expectations for safety, healing, and memory of the wound.
Courage to take them off when it's time for such wounds to fill with sun, fill with wind, fill with water
When it's time to step back into life.
Do now - do later - no guarantees.
Leaving the iridescent green tape on the limbs reminded me of the traumatic snowstorm my precious tree endured.
It spoke of my good work and of my care.
It also told me there was more to do, but I preferred to ignore that part....
.....until today when I knew it had to be done and so I began -
Cutting, pulling, coaxing, even asking the bandages to give way
And in their unraveling the gaping wounds became exposed
Something akin to healed bark appeared in some areas, but not all.
I touched the deep wounds with a little prayer
It's time to stand on your own, I said
It's time to take the sun, the wind, the rain and even the winter snows.
You've healed enough to do this.
You are free to fully breathe again
No longer restricted by green tape and bandages
I have no idea what the tree wanted in this whole matter
But in my all knowing human way I decided it wanted to live
It might have become quite accustomed to the bandages, too,
Just as grieving humans are apt to stay in our caves, wrapped in our symbols of pain, and expecting the rest of life will always be exactly like this.
Until ---
Someone takes the time and shows the courage needed to remove the bandages, lead us to the next step of healing, tell us that we're worth something again.
Until----
We come together and say to each other --
I know what it's been like --
I know the grievous wound beneath your bandages --
I know the courage it's taken just to survive --
Until ---
We say to each other
Here,
Let me gently remove all this stuff so you can breathe again -
Let me ease the path still fraught with surprises
Let me take your hand and reassure you that as the bandages come off
You will stand in the sun, the wind, the rain, the snow and be alright.
The wound, of course, somewhat healed over
Will always be present -
As will I.
As will I.
Wednesday, August 7, 2019
So much left to say.....
The last time you sat there -- the last time you sat anywhere
You didn't want to move -- you didn't want to return to that hospital bed
As you sat at the far end of the couch I've never liked at all
Your last clear words echoed forth like a call to arms.....like a haunting
Filling the space between our life I clung to
And
The one I feared crouching like a tsunami on the porch -
Still outside my vision, but already within my heart with its cold, unstoppable grip
"But I have so much left to say," you said while struggling to stand, to take the two steps to the bed
The last two steps of your life
God knows, we both had so much left to say
and
No one could tell us when the last opportunity would be
Your utterance was it
Your announcement of incompleteness
Your desire to keep sharing yourself
Your hope for more words
Your drive to stay alive, to stay engaged with this gift called life
I didn't get it until you were gone
Gone from the couch, gone from the hospital bed, gone from the house
Simply gone
But, the couch I've never liked at all has remained these past four years
Still the ugly color we picked out thinking it really wasn't that color, it must be some other color
Over the years it's been here, it still hasn't become the color I wanted
Sitting here like a memorial in the exact same place
The far end where you sat and where I slept the last week of your life
Grace has allowed me to live in this room without dwelling on all that transpired
within its walls your last ten days
And now
Grace is telling me to invite in
New hope, new vision, new warmth, new joy
Even in this room with the couch I have never liked at all
Completely unexpected
Totally unwarranted
Parched soul and withered heart
Tenderly held
Overwhelmed and grateful.
This room walled with painful memory
Now blessed with tenderness
Restored to life
Your last words echo in a new and fresh way
There really is still so much left to say ---- within this gift of life!
So much left to say!
Amen - let it be so!
You didn't want to move -- you didn't want to return to that hospital bed
As you sat at the far end of the couch I've never liked at all
Your last clear words echoed forth like a call to arms.....like a haunting
Filling the space between our life I clung to
And
The one I feared crouching like a tsunami on the porch -
Still outside my vision, but already within my heart with its cold, unstoppable grip
"But I have so much left to say," you said while struggling to stand, to take the two steps to the bed
The last two steps of your life
God knows, we both had so much left to say
and
No one could tell us when the last opportunity would be
Your utterance was it
Your announcement of incompleteness
Your desire to keep sharing yourself
Your hope for more words
Your drive to stay alive, to stay engaged with this gift called life
I didn't get it until you were gone
Gone from the couch, gone from the hospital bed, gone from the house
Simply gone
But, the couch I've never liked at all has remained these past four years
Still the ugly color we picked out thinking it really wasn't that color, it must be some other color
Over the years it's been here, it still hasn't become the color I wanted
Sitting here like a memorial in the exact same place
The far end where you sat and where I slept the last week of your life
Grace has allowed me to live in this room without dwelling on all that transpired
within its walls your last ten days
And now
Grace is telling me to invite in
New hope, new vision, new warmth, new joy
Even in this room with the couch I have never liked at all
Completely unexpected
Totally unwarranted
Parched soul and withered heart
Tenderly held
Overwhelmed and grateful.
This room walled with painful memory
Now blessed with tenderness
Restored to life
Your last words echo in a new and fresh way
There really is still so much left to say ---- within this gift of life!
So much left to say!
Amen - let it be so!
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Fire Blue Dream
Something is stirring
Something is calling me to the blank page tonight
Something is itching to break free
I can't put my finger on it
I can't taste it
I can't see it
But, it is there - invisibly forcefully there.
Pushing. Ordering. Pulling.
Something is stirring inside
Fires of light
Blues of emotions
Dreams hiding between marrow and bone
If only I could wrap my arms around it
Taste its sweetness
Spend hours gazing upon it with my light shy eyes.
Compelling. Urging. Begging. Demanding.
Fire Blue Dream is calling
It wants my hand and promises to lead me
To bring me home
Home to the place free of fear, free of grief
Fire Blue Dream is calling
I want to answer, to take the leap, to fall into its balmy abyss
Where only Life can catch me
Where only Truth can hold me
Where only Love can heal me.
Fire Blue Dream is calling ...........
Something is calling me to the blank page tonight
Something is itching to break free
I can't put my finger on it
I can't taste it
I can't see it
But, it is there - invisibly forcefully there.
Pushing. Ordering. Pulling.
Something is stirring inside
Fires of light
Blues of emotions
Dreams hiding between marrow and bone
If only I could wrap my arms around it
Taste its sweetness
Spend hours gazing upon it with my light shy eyes.
Compelling. Urging. Begging. Demanding.
Fire Blue Dream is calling
It wants my hand and promises to lead me
To bring me home
Home to the place free of fear, free of grief
Fire Blue Dream is calling
I want to answer, to take the leap, to fall into its balmy abyss
Where only Life can catch me
Where only Truth can hold me
Where only Love can heal me.
Fire Blue Dream is calling ...........
Saturday, July 20, 2019
Can you stand in the river?
Tall grasses cover the beach that once was -
A different shape of shore makes it hard to find the spot -
Mossy rocks still present, but seem to have moved,
But - this is the right spot - this is your place.
Can I stand in the river on this day, just shy of four years since you died?
Can I stand here to bless your watery grave with roses, hydrangeas, daisies, and rosemary we planted side by side when we were so sure there were decades ahead of us?
Standing in the river beholding your grave with tears in my eyes --
Unable to resurrect you from the water
Unable to resurrect our life together -
It's all right in front of me on a stunningly beautiful summer day.
And when I turn to my friend
Standing in the river right behind me
He reminds me there are choices to make --
Choices for life or choices for staying locked in our aloneness.
Our faith is all about life -- it's all about resurrection
But
Resurrection can only follow the death, the grave
And
For mere mortals it's a leap of faith, it's a choice.
Can I stand in this river of memory and at the same time claim new life?
This year I can.
This year a soft, strong, silent Yes behind and within said it is possible.
Thank-you.
A different shape of shore makes it hard to find the spot -
Mossy rocks still present, but seem to have moved,
But - this is the right spot - this is your place.
Can I stand in the river on this day, just shy of four years since you died?
Can I stand here to bless your watery grave with roses, hydrangeas, daisies, and rosemary we planted side by side when we were so sure there were decades ahead of us?
Standing in the river beholding your grave with tears in my eyes --
Unable to resurrect you from the water
Unable to resurrect our life together -
It's all right in front of me on a stunningly beautiful summer day.
And when I turn to my friend
Standing in the river right behind me
He reminds me there are choices to make --
Choices for life or choices for staying locked in our aloneness.
Our faith is all about life -- it's all about resurrection
But
Resurrection can only follow the death, the grave
And
For mere mortals it's a leap of faith, it's a choice.
Can I stand in this river of memory and at the same time claim new life?
This year I can.
This year a soft, strong, silent Yes behind and within said it is possible.
Thank-you.
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