What are you after?

I'd been following the man for quite sometime when he finally turned around and, in an exasperated tone asked, What are you after?

How much time do you have? I thought to myself. Well, there's the matter of too many deaths - Stef's Mom, Tressa's Grandma, Erin's dog, my client at work who can't find a way to deal with her husband's death and Child Protective Services are now involved, and all of the hundreds of other hopeless people I talk with about recent deaths. Then, there's the matter of the question my doctor asked me on the way out the door last week, "So, what plans do you have for 2019?" Three years ago the question of a new year stretching ahead of me without Rod struck total terror in my heart and gut. I had to have plans. I had to have a roadmap. I had to know what was around the corner. Such is the experience of early grief tantamount to total abandonment. This year, though, I have no big plans for anything. Maybe a trip here or a trip there, but I really don't know. The terror is lurking, not quite as overwhelming, but still present. So, when this man asked me what I'm after, you can see the list is very long: Answers, hope, direction, purpose, wisdom, security, health - that's all I'm after.

I knew, though, that if I blurted all of this out I might scare him off, so instead I answered his question with my own, Where are you staying? He wasn't quite as grumpy now as he extended an invitation, Come and see for yourself.

Oh, that's all I have to do? Just go and see where he lives and spend some time? That will do it? All my questions will be answered and needs met? Well, let's see, I do have the grocery shopping, vet appointment, house cleaning, and a myriad of other things on my list today, but I have a feeling this is important. No, more than important: This is crucial.

I went with him, saw where he lived, and spent the afternoon with him. At first it seemed like a strange thing to do. He didn't ask me anymore questions or anything about my life. I wondered if he cared about all my needs and those of the people I loved and worried about. But, when I left at the end of the day, his Way, his Truth, and his Life came with me.

It was all about the time and my choice, our choice, to follow to his house. To leave the list at the door, to listen, to be absorbed into his life.

What are you after?  The Incarnation of Christ in my life, in our world.

Nothing less will do, nothing less will do.




(John 1:35-39, The Message)