1095 Days

More than 1095 days ago, in fact 9.5 years ago the Pastor of Community Presbyterian Church in Brigham City, Utah wrote this prayer in his journal following a car accident that nearly killed two elderly parishioners in snowy Sardine Canyon --

Lord,

Loss and sadness are hard - real hard. There are so many mysteries to life and we spend a lifetime just trying to figure them out.  Give us - give me - the faith and courage to live in the moment and when I pray Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, give me the integrity to mean it. 

Amen.

There are so many mysteries to life and we spend a lifetime just trying to figure them out.

As I sit in this beautiful room overlooking the Pacific with Tahoe sleeping at my feet, Rod's words call to me over the expanse of the past 1095 days since he died. Three years seems like a long time and yet, when your husband dies, that moment is right there, right at the finger tips, right at the edge of every sentence.

It is such a mystery why he died so young and so quickly. It is such a mystery how my Mom, my dear demented Mom, could last until she was 83. It is such a mystery how lifelong friends can evaporate in a cloud of unmet expectations and lack of commitment. It is such a mystery how one heart can keep beating while the heart that kept it going no longer beats.  It is such a mystery how art introduces us to our new selves for the very first time. It is such a mystery how faith carries us through things we thought we'd surely never survive.

Loss and sadness are hard - real hard.

Harder than I've ever known, depths of despair and sobs of anguish I never knew my heart and body could produce. And, again, when your husband dies, that moment is right there, right at the finger tips, right at the edge of every sentence. Hard - real hard.

And when I pray Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, give me the integrity to mean it.

Integrity of heart, soul, body and mind are needed to follow where Thy kingdom may lead, to do whatever Thy will may ask. Yes, integrity is the utmost commodity for living these days of hard loss and sadness, of spending our lifetime figuring out such mysteries ~ how the young can die, how the friend can turn away, how the old struggle for years without mind or memory, how art frees us, and, finally how Christ gifts us with faith and carries us through mayhem we could never imagine while neatly planning our lives at twenty-three. Our plan never included these past 1095 days, but then again, it never included the astounding grace that has carried me this far, either, because I never knew I would need it.