Ten Days

Ten nights have come and gone since she made her wishes known --

Subsequent mornings have come and gone since they started this new and unknown path --

And, on this morning,
the tenth one,
she most likely left with Vivian and
most definitely went home to Jesus.

Our world is blessed tonight for her having been in it
and
Our world is less tonight for her having left it.

We are more for having her with us
and
We are less for having her gone.

And Jesus is with each and every one of us --
On this side of the ten days and on the other side -
Now, Aunt Maggie's eternity.

Tonight

Every musing I had during the day to write about tonight has vanished.

Every single one gone with the phone call from Uncle Fred.

All is now focused into one point of light, one deep prayer, one hope for comfort.

Hospice care begins tomorrow for Aunt Maggie.

Some ammo with those groceries, Mam?

There are basically three options for grocery shopping in my little town. And, as it happens, I go to each one every week for specific things. The big box store has decent deals on basic staples, but I don't buy fruits, vegetables or meat there. The big food chain store has pretty good fruits and vegetables, but they've also had a few meat recalls. The smallest of the three is a locally owned store with its own in-house butcher so this is where I buy our meat. Although this makes it sound like I have the best choices in the world, I must insert a small protest here --- I really miss Trader Joe's and all the other great food stores in Tacoma! And, we all know that Trader Joe's will never come to Utah because grocery stores can't sell wine here. I could drive ten hours to the closest one in Portland, Oregon, but everything would spoil by the time I got back. Ah, but I digress. Back to my immediate grocery situation.

Due to the same ol' same ol' in each store every week I've gotten quite complacent about cooking. Actually, I've gotten into a downright culinary rut. I'm trying to climb out, though, and today I found a delicious crock pot recipe for Mediterranean Meat Loaf. Upon reading it I knew a couple of the ingredients might be hard to find, but I set out to do it. When I pulled into the parking lot of the smallest store I started chanting to myself -- feta cheese and oil-packed sundried tomatoes over and over. Somehow I thought that chanting might make these things appear on the shelves. I didn't have much hope, but lo and behold there they were! I gathered up my treasures and triumphantly headed to the check-out line.

While I was waiting I glanced to my right to the now familiar ammo shelves. That's right - this store sells ammunition for hunting rifles, shotguns, and even handguns. Yep, it's right there on open shelves between the weekly cereal specials and the check-out line. It's not enclosed in any sort of case. If you want to, you can pack it into your cart between the milk and bread. Actually, it's part of the Utah culture of preparation. Many, many people around here have a three year supply of food in specially constructed containers kept in the specially built storage room in their basements. They religiously rotate foodstuffs and other living essentials every month. They're literally ready for anything. But, just in case they don't have everything they need they can pick up some ammo (along with their prescription and toothpaste) to snag that buck or turkey or elk for the freezer.

And there I am with my little pile of feta and sundried tomatoes. I agree, it makes for an odd picture, but this urbanite is hanging in there. I'm going to go hug my Trader Joe bags now.

Pink Measuring Cups and Spoons

While shopping at Home Depot last month I picked up some crazy things for my kitchen: pink measuring cups and spoons. I thought they'd add to my expanding collection of unusual kitchen items. Last Spring I picked up a set of red everyday dishes at our church rummage sale. Red dishes - now that's sort of wild for a woman whose original dishes (almost thirty years ago) were neutral colored stoneware! I love my used red dishes and my paltry meals actually look more appetizing on them, too. So, the pink measuring cups and spoons seemed like a good addition to the kitchen. The fact that the manufacturer donated a portion of the purchase price to the Susan B. Komen Breast Cancer Research was an added bonus. Tonight I used them to mix up a new muffin recipe from the back of a raisin box.

While measuring the flour, oatmeal, raisins, salt, cinnamon, milk, oil, apples, etc., my mind and heart recalled the phone call this afternoon and anticipated the drive to Salt Lake tomorrow. Mixing the batter I started to wonder --- how do we measure a life? How do we figure out which ingredients we need to heal this damn disease? How do we decrease the amount of pain and misery? How do we measure all that she means to us? How do we feed her with hope? How do we combine the right stuff for his weariness, fear and uncertainty?

My little purchase of pink measuring cups and spoons might have dropped a few pennies into the breast cancer research fund, but it's late for so many. It's late for Carrie who left us in 1991. It's late for Aunt Maggie in Salt Lake battling stage four breast cancer in her bones for the past month. When I bought these little things I didn't know Maggie would be sick again. I thought they'd just be for fun in the kitchen. Now, they measure far more than flour and sugar. They measure love, hope, faith, and trust.

After the muffins were done I washed and dried the pink utensils. With each stroke of the towel I said a prayer for Maggie's comfort, health, healing, peace, hope, and faith. Her eye is clear and her faith is strong, but her road is difficult. Perhaps you'll join me in this prayer -- for Maggie and Fred of Salt Lake. God knows who they are and where they live. Thank you.

The World Series vs. Death Education Certification

Every Fall the non-profit Association of Death Education and Counseling offers an online certification test for professionals working with death, dying, and bereavement. Since 2004 my goal has been to take this test, but each year things like vacation, moving, health concerns, etc., have gotten in the way. But, this year I filled out the application in June, gathered letters of recommendation from colleagues, paid the substantial test fee, and was accepted to take the test. I bought the three big textbooks to study and received the online study guide in August. I figured out how many pages I had to read everyday to meet the deadline and I made sure I didn't have anything else scheduled for November 7, 2009. Then, I started studying and keeping notes online. Then, I stopped studying. What happened?

This certification in Thanatology is something I've wanted for a long time, but I decided not to follow through - at least not this year. I can take the test next year; but, what happened this year? My steam, my drive, my passion for this field of knowledge have all been shelved for awhile. And I know exactly what put them on the shelf.

I've just come through a very challenging period of 24 months where various medical specialists here in Utah had diagnosed me with a chronic and disabling disease. However, within the past few months they concluded that their diagnosis was in error. My sentence of an unpredictable and incurable condition was lifted. Perhaps it had been there and the Lord healed me. Perhaps it was never there. All I know is that it's no longer part of my daily world and hence, my heart and soul need time to heal. A season for enjoyment and thanksgiving is now what the doctor has ordered. Hence, certification tests dealing with death, dying and bereavement couldn't be part of this season.

Instead, I found myself totally engrossed in the baseball playoffs and World Series. Our first choice being the Dodgers, of course, but they didn't get too far. I learned a great deal about pitches on the outside of the plate, fast balls, change-ups, curve balls, sliders, and the finer points of stealing bases. I was perfectly happy to sit for hours watching all of the games. Perfectly happy not to read heavy books and make notes about terrible situations brought about by terrible disease. I was perfectly happy to hold my breath when one team or the other had bases loaded with two outs in the bottom of the ninth with the tying run at the plate. Living in the moment, playing in the moment, and rejoicing in the moment won the past few weeks of my Fall season. Without a doubt, the World Series beat taking the test in a sweep of 4-0!

Jesus and the Crowds

Have you ever noticed how many times there's a crowd hanging around Jesus? There are some pretty interesting characters in these crowds and one of my favorites is Bartimaeus. Let's call him Bart for short and try to figure out what was happening when he begged Jesus to restore his sight.

First, Bart was already in one crowd -- the one calling for help. Jesus was moving down the road with another crowd in tow -- the one feeling very confident in their faith and position within Jesus' circle. Second, when the two crowds met conflict erupted. "Help me!" "Don't bother Jesus right now." "Heal me!" "Go away because he doesn't have time right now." The bantering continued until Jesus himself stopped and said "Call him here." After Bart made his way out of one crowd and over to the next one Jesus asked him the most incredible question, "What do you want me to do for you?" Now, there's a question that should stop us in our tracks. But, Bart had an immediate and clear answer "Let me see again." Jesus told him, "Go, your faith has made you well." Right away Bart could see and he joined up with the crowd following Jesus -- straight into Jerusalem. Was Bart in this crowd that cheered Jesus on Palm Sunday and condemned him to death a few days later? We don't know. The text doesn't tell us how long Bart hung with this crowd.

A couple of weeks ago we discussed this passage in the Sunday morning adult class that I lead. Each week we read the Sunday text out loud from three different versions and discuss what strikes us and how God is speaking to us. Inevitably, when we have about ten minutes left I ask (and write down on the big paper), "What does this mean for us today living in this little town where the predominant culture and religion are not Christian?" On this particular Sunday I asked the group, "What's our answer to Jesus' question, "What do you want me to do for you?" They replied "Help us feel better about moving into the new building for worship" "Help us be less anxious." "Help us deal better with changes in the church." While all of these things are quite legitimate for our congregation right now and some folks need more support than others to make the necessary changes, I hope that all of us had much bolder answers held close to our hearts. I hope we were shouting inside "Let me see again! Heal me! Unloose my chains and make me step out into your big, beautiful world, Lord." Yes, I'm sure this was the request of our hearts, but being Presbyterian we had to keep it all decently in order. However, it seems to me that the crowds with Jesus were rarely decently in order. Hum........