I'm not sure if you've noticed, but things are very different now.
Perhaps, your interest in the here and now is also very different.
I suspect that it is, which breaks my heart because I like to tell myself that you're fully engaged and fully present in this funny little enterprise: My Life.
But, I don't really know, do I? Do any of us know?
What I do know is that I get confused between your call, your legacy and my call and whatever legacy I might leave behind.
We lived your call, your work, your passions for a very long time -
To the point that when you died, I thought it was my job to carry it all on --
To continue to represent your voice, your commitments, your dignity.
But, like I said, things are very different now
And in the middle of this difference, in the middle of this change
I am trying to sort out what is mine, what was yours, and what remains ours.
Of course
Absolutely
Without hesitation
I want to honor your hard work, your commitments, and your passions -
I want you to be remembered.
Yours was a life of service and giving that earned the right to be remembered, to be honored.
So, if I don't, if I can't, if it's not my call to do exactly as you did --
How do I keep you present?
How do I honor your life's work?
How do I remember our life and build a new one at the same time?
Across my room I see your marching orders for me -
Don't isolate yourself --- Be vulnerable with others ---- Write --- Don't let the past decide your future
All of these I have tried to keep front and center
And maybe this is the best and only way to really honor you, to keep you close, to make sure you are remembered --
To live life the way you did - driven by passion and love and joy and commitment to God.
Perhaps it matters little at this point what was yours, what is mine, and what will remain.
Perhaps what really matters is how well I get up every morning to serve God and love those present in my life right now.
Things are very different now and also exactly the same.
You're no longer right here, but my life is still blessed with love.
I do honor you and hold your accomplishments and your lifelong tenacity in the highest esteem.
I do bless them and bless you as I let go a little more.
As the four and half year mark approaches ---
I have to let go a little more --
In order to be with others, to be vulnerable, to write, to make a new future.
And, I think you're ok with this approach -
You're ok with my handling of this funny little enterprise: My Life.
I think I hear you cheering me on.
Yes, I'm quite sure of it.
Very sure of it.
Thank-you, Rod.
Thank-you very, very much for everything.
For absolutely everything.