Almost four months ago I wrote "The house is not as heavy tonight," and based on my absence from these pages one might conclude the house floated away, but it has not.
I don't know why I haven't been here. I think it's because no one has said, as Rod used to say, "You need to write tonight." He was always the best gauge of my soul's need - a task I have yet to pin down on this continued journey of life rebuilding.
Frederick Buechner writes in The Sacred Journey ~
We search for a self to be.
We search for other selves to love.
We search for work to do.
As my previous piece acknowledged, I'm no longer the Pastor's Wife.
Who am I now?
Who am I becoming?
What is my place in life?
Honestly, I've stressed a lot about who I am on my own and I've worked hard to protect myself from unknowns, which typically means getting more education!
In 2017 I thought I was called to attend Seminary, but that self wasn't the right one.
Then, I was accepted by a spiritual direction program, but a few days ago I withdrew my plan to start later this month because that self wasn't the right one, either.
I remember Rod telling me that it's not what I do, but who I am that matters; however, at this juncture my professional self is the most familiar to me. It's where I know what I'm doing and my work makes a difference.
Personally, navigating new friendships and boundaries is far more challenging. I don't know where the edges, much less the beginning and the middle, are. Unlike waving Tahoe across the street to the open grass after I've checked for traffic, no one is standing in front of me waving, "OK, Sher, it's safe to go this way now!"
A card in my study shows a woman carrying a suitcase and reads, "It's OK - It's only change." Rod loved preaching that staying the same is not an alternative which some people loved and others, not so much. For me, the first moment after his last breath, remaining the same was abruptly no longer an alternative. Nothing would be the same.
Although we long for the self we used to be and the life we used to have -- it simply is not an alternative.
So, we search, we dance, we put our toes in the water, we creep to the edge of the known universe right in front of us, we say "Yes, life I'll love you again," we hope to be received and valued, we hope for new people to love and to love us, and in the long run we hope our work eases the burdens of others.
As I continue to search for the new self I am becoming, I remember Jesus' words,
Seek and you shall find